Recovery - whatever recovery lane you are in, brings with it great joys but also some uncomfortable self awarenesses.
So uncomfortable, in fact, that there are times when we've found it easier to fall back into the lap of a bottle or a pill rather than face them. It is why, I think, the phrase "recovery is not for punks" has such deep meaning. It takes a certain class of guts to stay in the chair no matter what.
I'm sharing this to shed light. I have been on both sides - chasing and chased. Truth be told more uncomfortable chasing than chased - not a proud thing to admit. But I have learned that God only meets us at the level of truth.
Years and years ago during my first early couple of weeks in treatment I remember it being somewhat easier to talk about things that were done to me. I don't mean easy easy, I mean given the choice to admit to what I did or what was done to me, I found it easier to go with what was done to me. I had a better language for that and 10 fingers that were skilled at pointing.
It was still hard. For many of us traumatic events that happened to us are just f*ing hard to admit to. So I don't want to give the impression I am saying it is a cakewalk or make light of it. None of this is easy easy.
It was a process to begin to open up about things that happened to me, some of which I had no control over - and what was harder to admit that some of them I did have control and let happen anyway - in a setting that allowed me to actually heal from them as opposed to the settings that allowed me to pour more alcohol over them - contrary to what I thought not one of them drowned themselves away.
Eventually I had to also begin the process of looking at and talking about what I did and try to understand and articulate why I did it - beyond the "well they did this to me" scenario.
Not that what "they" did wasn't important, but if my newfound spiritual recovery was going to take a deeper hold I had to go deeper into where my power truly resided. True some of it was motivated by what others did to me but some of it was generated out of my own dysfunctional nature and I had to be willing to not just look at it but share it with another human being.
Another one of the things that helped me in this process was the understanding I heard at a meeting "we are not bad people trying to be good, we are sick people trying to be well".
This I have found to be true in 12 step groups, churches, temples, ashrams, synagogues, Inipis - you name it. We find mentally, spiritually, physically sick people who need to get well. Most of whom are actively engaged in that healing process - not alone but as part of a community. What a revelation it is to know that while it is good I know I want to be here it is better for me that I know I need to be here.
This is the gospel of recovery. That we can and do get well. We can be restored to a contributing member to ourselves and to society.
We are not as hopelessly lost as we thought.
This is where we celebrate our connections to our sponsors, pastors, rabbis, imams, gurus, teachers, home groups, therapists -relationships that have become so important for us. Because there are times when we are faced with ourselves and the impact we had or are having on those around us and it will be hard to face alone, even harder if we have other mental health issues on top of it.
Our celebrations, our testimonies of walks through the valleys to the other side - are all prayers of gratitude and lights of hope for those still caught in the grips and sights of this disease and its dysfunctions.
If you are able to watch through the video I think Trevor does a great job of articulating a major important uncomfortable awareness issue. A conversational prayer that itself brings light and opens the door to healing.
We add the prayer:
God do for them, and those like them on every point up and down the scale of life, what You have done and continue to do for so many of us - bring clarity, recovery, hope, peace, love, therapy, healing, care and compassion, honest self appraisal, help us open up and stay open to the feedback, criticisms, sharing and lessons of others and grant us courage to stay present and heal as much as is possible for us and those around us- to be better channels of thy grace and love.
Amen!