Our Twelfth Step
"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."
Matthew 28:18-19 "Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,"
The Journey. I remember once hearing and relating to someone's share about how when they were drinking and using they felt and acted like their drug induced escapades were scenes in a movie and they had this sub-conscious seeming expectation that there would be a credit roll anytime soon signaling the end of it.
But they kept waking up and the movie just kept on going. Then they got sober and it took some time for their thinking to shift out of the cinematic fantasy programming into present awareness and then into sober day at a time living. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. All with an understanding that everyday was a contribution to a longer term journey called life. A life once lived out of a destructive selfishness that had evolved from the need for relief into the need for a drink. "First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes the man, then the drink takes a drink."
This journey is not specific to the alcoholic or the drug addict. Many in other communities - spiritual, religious and secular - can relate to something in their lives that followed the same path - behaviors, trains of thinking, experiences that felt good, gave some relief, offered power only to later find ourselves at the bad end of a terms of service contract that had teenie-tiny small print on page 3,292 that read "final payment: your soul". Some of us may have even got that far but the concept of our soul as payment for the pleasures on the menu didn't seem really actually real real.
I remember also in my first year coming back to recovery I was sitting in a meeting and something the speaker was sharing about suddenly reminded me of all the ways I tried to kill myself without killing myself - pouring alcohol into my body until I couldn't pour anymore and passing out not caring where I was or if I woke or not, once in a while hoping I wouldn't wake up. Getting behind the wheel of a car, blind drunk, speeding on the highway and struggling to keep the car in one lane and avoid the other cars who were in their lanes, buying drugs from strangers and eating or snorting them, sleeping with strangers, being a stranger that anyone could sleep with for the price of a hint of I love you, a drink, a pill, some weed, a moment of mind-numbing bliss, even dangerous environments sometimes took my mind off me.... It threw me into a panic. Did I pray to die? Can I take it back? After the meeting I spoke with the speaker and we went to lunch. Fellowship saved us that day.
We laughed at our stories and compared notes as we ate. She had a lot more time, I was in my first year and she was in her 20th, and was able to help me see that I wasn't unique and yes my thinking was crazy back then but that it didn't have to be that way today, and even if it was I had a different set of tools to deal with it.
Going to a meeting, to fellowship, working the steps, calling my sponsor, doing service were all affirmations that I wanted to live today. She also reminded me of how we were miracles even to be sitting there given all that we had done to ourselves and to others.
At a later date I was able to pass on what she had passed on to me: through sharing experience, strength and hope with another member they were able to come off their ledge. Fellowship saved us that day.
Our times in the valley strengthened us in ways we never could have imagined and prepared us for a special mission - to carry this message of hope and recovery and to practice these principles in all our affairs. This is our new journey. Our version of Matthew 28:18-19. And it is yours too.
This is not to advocate for torture, abuse or pain. However, if you turn back and look at the valley you walked out of and that is what you survived know that there is someone still back there, suffering in the same way, who needs to hear and see you -
To know they are not alone.
To see how far you've come so they can know if it is possible for you then it is possible for them too.
And if your "Higher Power" could carry you through that into this new life, in spite of you, - then maybe it's a Higher Power they could use to carry them as well.
Be blessed, strengthened and comforted.
Amen, Ase, Aho, Namaste.