TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE
TODAY'S PRAYER: TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE
“Let us begin with the understanding that our world is not an erroneous one, but rather that the universe in which we live is the realm of reality about which man entertains a false concept. The work of bringing health and harmony into our experience is not, then, getting rid of, or even changing, a mortal material universe, but correcting the false concept of our universe.” Joel Goldsmith ‘The infinite Way’
Recovery, Spiritual recovery, 12 step recovery brings with it the added joy of awakening to a new understanding of who and what we are. For so long my primary allegiance was to a version of myself that just was not true. Alcohol and other drugs, even destructive behaviors, acted in a weird way that allowed me to operate, to function, within that faulty understanding.
I remember a time I was ending a night of blitzo drinking, smoking and escapism when one of the people I was with proceeded to tell me how powerful I was in reaction to something I had said.
They weren't referring to whoopass power, although I did use the fact that they weren't as a reason to discount what they were saying. They were talking about that something else - that thing we try to get people to understand, to see about their true nature, their powerful selves.
It's probably the good news Jesus and other religious people was trying to convey - that if you knew who you were, who and what it was that stood beside you it would be impossible to be in the condition you find yourself in.
Anyway, I've learned, especially in Alanon, and continue to learn that in the midst of a drunken binge, a coke run, a nod, a crazy sex or overeating or purge or some other addictive act is not the best time to argue and spout deep truths. We do it anyway. I remember the alcohol sweat on my skin, the fumes of a long night of tequila drivers and beers murdering my nostril senses, looking over at my friend, trying to stop the spins and wondering wtf they were talking about. The me I thought I was was right where I thought he was supposed to be - sitting in the gutter, trying not to puke his brains out on his sneakers, hating this ending but knowing he will do the same thing again tomorrow with the hope it turns out differently.
But recovery let me see that me in a different light. The light perhaps my dad or my mom saw me in or my 5th grade teacher or my sisters and brothers - or any one of those strangers who seemed to rise up out of the fog and tell me that the me they saw was not the me I was being, that I was better than that. That it was ok to be better. In fact I had a spiritual responsibility, knowing who I am and who walks beside me to be better.
This was always the "self" I needed to be true to. The self I, for any number of victim or victimizer reasons, could not look in the eye or muster more strength beyond what I was using to deny. Because denial of self takes a tremendous amount of energy to maintain.
While I came to this awakening through the doors of 12 step, it is not unique to 12 step. Awakening to self brings awakening to others. I've heard the same stories from people in churches, temples, meditation groups, synagogues, ashrams, therapy groups - you name it. Separation has a way of taking the idea that in our own individual worlds we are unique in our experience and converting it into a destructive energy that further fuels the denial of our true selves.
So today we take a moment to meditate on the self we need to be true to.
We may not know all of what that means right now but we know enough - even knowing who we are not is an excellent start.
We pray for clarity and strength in this process that we may know when we are acting out of alignment - that feeling of discomfort, guilt, shame or just knowing what we are about to do is wrong for us -that we may act on these alarms - stop and pivot to love, this knowingness today in our life and the lives of those we cross paths with. That when someone looks us in the eye and tells us of our strength we may hold their gaze and accept the love they are offering to us and joyfully give it back.
This is how we correct the false concept of the universe. We start with self.
Amen. Aho. Ase.