Obstacles to Connection: Defensiveness
Penetrating the veil
Often an important mechanism in our self-survival kits, defensiveness can serve as a shield against perceived threats. We instinctively raise this barrier to protect our self-image and emotions, creating an environment where we feel safe. However, sometimes this self-defense can become a formidable obstacle to our personal growth and connections. While it may not lead to life-or-death situations, it can feel just as intense as we navigate our encounters with others in our daily lives.
A person can slip into defensiveness when confronting anything that challenges their sense of self. This response often appears when a person rightly or wrongly perceives a threat, leading to a posture that makes it nearly impossible to penetrate their protective wall. When engaged in this defensive stance, it’s unrealistic to expect that answering their defensiveness with your own level of defensiveness will pave the way for resolution. We may want to retaliate, to defend our point of view, but this often spirals into an escalating struggle.
Once in a while, sure, that defensive exchange might momentarily reinforce our own positions or egos, but more often than not, it results in a standoff where neither party feels heard or understood.
Wisdom suggests, when possible, to step back and re-shift your approach; rephrase, change tactics, and seek a different pathway through the thicket of defensiveness.
Reflecting on my own experience in a professional setting offers a rich lesson about the effectiveness of this approach. Some years ago, during a group session I was co-leading, there was a particular client who always seemed to rise up in defensiveness whenever I would shift the focus of discussion towards him. Our conversations morphed into an uneasy dance of ego battling, where I would attempt to guide him towards looking within, but he would fortify his stance, I would react and fortify mine, inadvertently shutting down the very dialogue we were trying to foster.
Faced with this impasse, I felt a wave of frustration wash over me. I carried this to my supervisor, sharing my exasperation about my inability to penetrate his defenses. Her insightful response revealed a crucial piece of the puzzle: she highlighted that this client struggled mentally with concepts and that defensiveness was his instinctual method of protecting himself in challenging scenarios. It was in this moment of realization that I understood my own response. My instinct was to become defensive back, to fight for my point of view, rather than to support him in overcoming his barriers.
“Next time it comes up,” she suggested, “try rephrasing what you’re trying to say.” At first glance, her advice seemed too simplistic—yet, after reflecting on my past attempts, I reasoned that if everything else wasn’t working, perhaps this new approach was worth a shot.
When the opportunity arose once again in our next session, the dynamic quickly evolved into recognizable defensive pattern. However, armed with a fresh perspective, I recognized the emerging pattern - especially within myself. I took a step back. I consciously rephrased my questions and comments, aiming to penetrate the defensive barrier with gentleness rather than challenge. Time and again, I paused, recalibrating my approach, and remarkably, his energy began to shift. We finally began to connect meaningfully, unveiling insights that had long been obscured under layers of resistance. This also bought another revelation that is not rally a revelation unless we forget: This wasn’t personal. While his reactions were aimed in my direction, they really were not about me.
It was a profound moment, one that taught me an invaluable lesson about the interplay between defensiveness and communication. Initially, it felt like relinquishing a piece of myself—my ego grumbled about having to adjust for someone else—but the payoff was huge. When I stepped away from my defensiveness and tapped into a compassionate approach, I found that it wasn’t just about forging a connection with him; it deepened my understanding of the human experience.
In our shared journey toward growth, the layers of our own defensiveness can become a barrier not just to understanding the experiences of others, but also to our own self-exploration. Engaging with defensiveness elevates the struggle and diminishes any opportunity for reconnecting to our authentic selves. To truly engage with the world around us and write a new story, we must first unravel the patterns that keep us stuck in defensive cycles. Defensiveness can fool us into believing that we must always be protected and combative, but this could not be further from the truth.
We must acknowledge that everyone has their own story, their own layers of defensiveness. When we react to others as a defensive response, we perpetuate a cycle of fear and misunderstanding. This approach doesn’t lend itself to openness; instead, it closes doors we might otherwise have been willing to explore.
If we truly want to progress, to communicate honestly and meaningfully, let us commit to shifting our perspective. Instead of entrenching ourselves in defense, let us practice vulnerability. Embrace the discomfort that comes with stepping outside our protective bubbles. Our wounds can make us quick to draw shields when we feel challenged, but true strength lies in the ability to disarm and open ourselves up to dialogue that may be uncomfortable yet enlightening.
Call to Action: Rewrite The Story
So here’s where you come in—why not take a conscious moment to pause the next time you feel defensiveness rising within you? Reflect on what the instinct is trying to protect. Is it the fear of being judged? The desire to be seen as competent? The longing to feel validated? By recognizing the root of our defensiveness, we can better navigate the emotions at play.
As you engage with others, take a deep breath before responding. Are you leaning into defensiveness, or considering how to approach the conversation with curiosity and compassion? Try rephrasing your thoughts, ask open-ended questions, and listen with your heart. Seek to understand the message behind the defensiveness you may encounter in others, rather than react in kind.
Let’s embark on this journey together of rewriting how stories play out. Afterall this is the fruit by which we shall be known. Let’s commit to fostering an environment where defensiveness finds less ground to grow, and empathy takes root. Break through the veil of defensiveness. Together, we can build bridges instead of walls, Stay in our authentic selves rather than the masks of protection. This is how we create deeper connections and open up pathways for healing—not only in ourselves but in those around us as well. After all, the most powerful stories are written not just in the words we speak but in the understanding we cultivate with one another. Step into this new narrative—dare to engage in vulnerable dialogue, and watch the scenery shift around you.
This new posturing may prove to be one of the valuable tools that aids in the turning of the red into the new 2.0 version of blue.
May you continue to be blessed to be a blessing in the lives of others.